Eternal Perspectives

(An experience one of the men shared at Bible study last night brought the following to mind. My story is not true, but it is the truth.)

A few decades back, maybe in the ‘80s, my wife told me some disturbing news about a mutual friend. He (let’s call him Adam) had been having an affair with a married woman (Jezebel) who was not his wife (Eve). My wife had been talking with some friends when Jezebel came up and joined the conversation. In time, Jez began talking about a man she was seeing – and seeing more than she should have – a man she thought was single (which was curious, since Jez is married) but who turned out to have been Adam.

My wife said nothing about it when she heard it but came home and told me about it; immediately after her disclosure, she said I couldn’t tell anyone.

I told her that I couldn’t agree to that and would be talking to Adam as soon as possible. My wife became very angry with me, throwing around words like betrayal, trust, and integrity. I told her firmly that, by keeping quiet, we were both protecting the sinner (Adam) and not the victim (Eve).

My wife, being 100 percent woman, responded as almost all wives would upon hearing that information. She screamed, “You are not going to tell him!” I realized at that second that nothing good would come from continuing to talk, but this rather obvious fact seemed hidden to her. After what seemed like hours of her pleading, explaining, and crying, we went to bed: she on her side of our King-sized mattress, me on my side of our not-so-big couch.

The next day was Sunday and, being at odds with one another and barely speaking, realized that this was a typical, before-church Sunday morning. So we clothed ourselves as grownups and went off to be spiritual and worshipful.

At church, we stopped to talk with our pastor briefly and explained our dilemma, careful not to disclose who the perpetrator was. After listenign, he told my wife that I was right, she was wrong, and he needed to be confronted as soon as possible. My wife nodded, bowed her head like a contrite penitent, and said, “Of course. Thank you.”

End of conflict. Kind of.

I spoke with Adam, he repented and told his wife, she (realizing she would have the upper hand for years to come and be able to buy pretty much anything she wanted) forgave him, and they headed off to counseling and the promise of a better, stronger, rededicated marriage.

I remained troubled, however. The question that kept circling in my mind was, “Why did my wife immediately believe our pastor but resisted believing – indeed, refused to believe –me?”

When I asked her this question, she simply replied, “Well, because he’s our pastor,” as though this was the answer to any and all questions ranging from sexual frequency to the complexities of String Theory. Hearing this, and being a trained clinician in human relationships and communication skills, I responded as most real men would, saying firmly, “Oh, yeah!?!”

When my emotional hijacking was peacefully and internally resolved, I concluded that something was seriously wrong in my leadership and headship of my family generally and of my wife specifically.

As I thought about it, I realized why my wife had responded so promptly to our pastor: she saw him as a higher authority than herself. She did not see me the same way; hence, the argument. Somehow or somewhere I had lost or given up my responsibility to lead. It wasn’t long before I began to see how that had happened: I was playing to the wrong audience, seeking praise from the wrong person.

I had typically made decisions for us in the past, but I had done so with one eye on the problem and the other on my wife. If I sensed she was in agreement – especially if she had said as much – I boldly pronounced my decision and congratulated myself for being the Man of the House. If she was disapproving, I momentarily feigned anguish and deep reflection before saying no. We got along wonderfully, although at times my wife seemed frustrated by my almost universal agreement with her. There were times, to be sure, when I disagreed and stood my ground, but only long enough for her to argue her case and threaten consequences. I would look pensive for a bit, nod my head and mutter “Hmmm,” before changing my mind. “God speaks to us through our wives,” I would explain to my friends, who would in turn look to their own wives before agreeing or disagreeing.

But now I could do that no longer. I needed to stop looking for the winks of approval and nods of permission from my wife and deal instead with God. He has made clear what leadership looks like – one need look no further, for example, than Christ’s leadership of His disciples – and requires that same type of headship from me.

It was not immediately easy but it slowly became far more simple than prior to that conflict so long ago. I know – and believe – that I must stand before God and answer to Him for the decisions I make and the manner in which I make them. No more “The woman Thou gavest me” excuses: the buck starts and stops with me.

Although things got worse for awhile, my wife eventually seemed to relax and respond to my decisions. To this day I continue to seek out her feelings, perceptions, opinions, expertise, and wisdom, but not for the purpose of making the decision she would make. She is a tremendous resource but the decision is mine, not hers. Even when I delegate the responsibility to choose, it is still my choice: I am responsible for whatever course we follow regardless of who chooses the course.

My wife doesn’t wait for our pastor to tell her what is right or wise or just anymore. She listens to me. Even when she disagrees, she supports me because she knows I have listened to her and have seriously considered her contribution. But she knows I will make the decision that I believe is best for us. Though I might be wrong, she respects it.

Nowadays it is almost effortless, this leadership responsibility I bear. Part of that is due to my wife’s wonderful submission as someone who is frequently part of the loyal opposition.

But most of it, I think, is because I am playing to the right audience. God is my authority and it is to Him that I must given an account. My wife gets explanations but He alone holds me accountable.