On Wed, 10-5-05 9:35 am
Bowden at Counseling Notes has an interesting post asking whether or not Christians have what it takes to stay married. Identifying some of the faulty reasoning that too often leads to an unbiblical divorce, he observes:
Generally, the thought process goes something like this: A) God wants me to stay married. B) If I am obedient and stay married, I will be miserable for the rest of my life. C) If I’m disobedient and divorce, God will forgive me and I can be happy for the rest of my life.
Any counselor or pastor who has done much marital counseling has run into this rationalization for sin. Some time ago I encountered it in a pastor who decided he wasn’t happy and was going to divorce. He did not quote Heinrich Heine, but his attitude was no less callused:
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“God will forgive me. It’s his job.”
A passage popped into my head when I heard the flimsy rationale and I told the man,
“Yes, I suppose He will, but there are still consequences. It’s like what Jesus said about those who do their praying, fasting, and tithing in such a way as to be noticed and praised by others. He repeatedly said,
Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full.” - Mt 6.2, 5, 16 (NASB)
“You might very well divorce, be forgiven, remarry, and be happy. But I hope it is unbelievably happy because it’s all the reward you’ll ever get. Forget about eternal rewards: you’ll have your reward in full, in this lifetime. But there won’t be anything in the next.”
He didn’t much care for my answer and said he didn’t believe it. To be honest, I wasn’t sure I believed it either at the time, but as I thought about it I became more convinced. In situations where there is an unbiblical divorce, the guilty party - not the innocent one - can expect to be forgiven but cannot legitimately expect for there to be eternal rewards for being a good husband or wife in the next marriage.
The decision to end a marriage for less than Scriptural reasons has consequences. The loss of future rewards - which is no small matter - is one of them. A person can choose divorce but they cannot choose the consequences of divorce, whether in this lifetime or the next.
October 5th, 2005 at 5:28 pm
Mike:
Thanks for the link! I guess I’m still unsure - sometimes - of how to handle the issue of a lack of faith. Sometimes the thinking is “God can change me… but He’s not big enough to change my marriage or my spouse.” Again, we’re talking about marriages where the complaint is, “We’ve just drifted apart.” It seems like in all the talk about God, forgiveness, and happiness His power and grace are just forgotten about.
March 7th, 2006 at 6:32 am
It is interesting to me how ppl equate remarriage with happiness. I did too, and I am a walking example that the only thing that has brought me any happiness is obedience to God. I am struggling in a VERY difficult remarriage, although I had biblical grounds for the divorce, I grew angry with God and took matters into my own hands instead of waiting for Him. I remarried on a whim. I have paid for six years and may continue to pay here the rest of my life, who knows? But I have repented of my act of remarriage and do now enjoy a close relationship with the Lord. I wish I could make people understand, remarriage is not the answer. Obedience is the answer. It is not about our “happiness”, it is about Him and His will. Only in his will would we ever find joy, contentment, and peace.
May 30th, 2006 at 1:34 pm
“Obedience is the answer. It is not about our “happiness”, it is about Him and His will. Only in his will would we ever find joy, contentment, and peace.”
This helps me a lot. I’m in the middle of a marriage crises, and I’d been thinking about a divorce to look for my own happiness. Where in the bible can I find a verse that reflect the quote above so I can put it in my heart.
August 1st, 2006 at 4:18 pm
GOd is a loving and meciful GOd. He does not expect women to stay in abusive relationohips and be beat by their husbands. Obviousy the husband is violating I Corinthians and is not pleased to dwell with the wife. Ministers and pastors, who are mostly men have a hard time dealing with the act of the spirituality of this verse and its meaning. [Pretty judgmental here, Elaine.] God allows divorce for adultery and also if one is not pleased to dwell with the other or a non believer. [Elaine - What and where is your support for the second part of this? If you think it’s ! Cor 7, then you’re misreading the passage.]
Let’s deal with it. When a woman’s very being and spirituality is being threatened by staying with an abusive mate it’s time to leave. [Yep.] A loving God understands and has no problem with this - only mankind in judgemental, puffed up holier-than-thou vanity has a problem. [Some people have a problem, some don’t.]
ALso the so-caleld statistics on children of divorce…phony - who keep the statistics ont he kids of the married? [Actually, there is quite a bit of research in this area, a lot indicating that children of a bad divorce suffer - even as children of bad marriages do.] Just as many get pregnanat, go to jail, rebel,etc. [Sorry, but this isn’t true or biblical.] I’m a product of divorce and have 2 degrees and am successful and a devote Christian. [I’m happy for you. Really.] I know MANY others who are this way and also ALL the women I know who got divorced where either cheated on or abused, not frivolous reasons - get the FACTS. [Who are you talking to and what are you talking about?]
Ministers want to quote ” I hate divorce” but don’t quote the oher 6 things God hates such as haughty and proud looks - as those who think they are better or their familes are better because there is no divorce. Those married who have stayed married and are haughty and look down on those who needed to get divorced for abuse (verbal, physical, etc). need to practice Matthew 7. Also read Revelations in which God states what he will put onto those who add to His word. If you don’t have the compassion of God and Jesus to realize that a woman being downtroden, abused, cheated on, etc. has a right to a divorce if she wants to (men too), then you do not “get” God. [I personally don’t look down on people who have been divorced, although you certainly seem to look down on people who don’t get divorced. You are quite condescending and caustic.]
Don’t preach your own version of our loving God to kids of divorce and those needing true council. Kids under 18 do not need added burdens on them and for someone to make them feel they are less than someone else because of a divorce. My broken home was made intact and UNbroken AFTER the divorce - no fighting, abuse, etc. [Again, where is this coming from?]
I understand you mentioned that it was as in to divorce - you need help. [I have no idea what this means.] I’ll pray for you and YOUR sin of judgement! [Save your time: I’d just as soon you not pray for me.]
August 1st, 2006 at 5:47 pm
Elaine:
I added some questions and comments to your comment but wanted to respond separately, too.
That’s quite a rant, even for someone with two degrees. Did you even read my post? Did you notice that I was coming down on the abuser of God’s grace, not any victim?
I don’t know who hurt you so deeply in the past but I’m sorry about it. I, however, am not the enemy here. In fact, if you read my in-depth position paper on divorce (here), you’ll see that I think there are four biblical grounds for divorce: some type of sexual impropriety (not adultery: the penalty for adultery was death, not divorce); abandonment; a refusal to provide materially for one’s spouse and/or children, and a deliberate pattern of abusive behavior.
I don’t need help. But one of us might.