On Fri, 09-23-05 10:51 pm
To All You Poor People That
Had to Grow Up in the Church
Written by Dr Mike Filed under: Confessions
[11] comments thusfar
One of the things that has made me want to laugh derisively at times – or smack someone at other times – has been listening to the complaints and tales of “suffering” by people who had the grave misfortune of growing up in the church. You see, I didn’t grow up in the church – not by a long shot – so my perspective is just a little bit different.
If I understand these martyrs correctly, growing up in the church was one of the worst things that has ever happened to them in their lives. They were fed false and misleading information about such things as alcohol, movies, dancing, dating, profanity, and such. As a result, these folks didn’t get into much trouble in their earlier years. What a shame.
In listening to these greatly deprived believers, I’m reminded of some of the Christians that I grew up and went to school with back in the ’60s. Some were nice and easy to be around; I don’t think they became the whiners I’m talking about here. The whiners were the ones who hated and condemned me and my friends. Why did they detest me? Because I was doing all the things they didn’t do but really, really wanted to do.
The church restricted these people from engaging in many of the behaviors that I plunged into without restraint. As a result, these people didn’t get to have the experiences that I had or the memories that I still reflect on. Things like being arrested for underage drinking, almost getting busted numerous times for drugs, being watched by the police, known as a bully by classmates. They have been denied the privilege of having memories of immoral relationships and one-night stands; they don’t get to look back on a dark history of breaking the law, lying to parents, stealing money, malicious trespassing, drunk driving; they don’t get to wonder about blocks of time for which they have no memories due to taking a few too many sopers at once.
These poor souls didn’t get to take over college administration offices, destroy brain cells, do permanent psychological and physical damage to themselves, or come close to dying in any number of ways. They don’t get to feel bad for having turned others on to drugs, being ridiculed and ignored as a Christian, and then getting to bury these same friends years later. Betraying best friends, trust, and relationships.
The church and their rigid Christian upbringing denied them all of this.
Forgive me if I don’t have a lot of compassion for such whining believers. They think they had it so terrible, so horrible because their parents tried to protect them from the perils of strolling ignorantly through Satan’s domain, of consuming his pleasures and being consumed in return, of choosing freely but not getting to choose the consequences.
Sometimes I’m torn. Part of me wishes that I had, like these fellow believers, grown up in a church so that I wouldn’t have the memories, scars, and history that I do. Maybe growing up would have kept me from ruining the lives of friends and strangers alike who had the misfortune of running into me back then. I have to think that it would have.
Another part of me isn’t sure about it, though. I’m afraid that, if I had grown up in the church, I’d be as ungrateful and bitchy as they are. I wouldn’t want that. I know what I’ve been saved out of; they need to think about what they’ve been saved from. It’s not pretty.
Their horrible churches – and maybe some of them were bad – kept them safe within the fold while some of us were being thrown to the wolves. I’m not saying churches shouldn’t do it better; I’m saying that it’s better for those churches to do the right thing badly than to do nothing and allow bad things to happen to ignorant people like me.
It’s better to grow up deprived than depraved. Trust me on this one.
[On the other hand, see my post Losing My Way for my sorry discernment and life in the church.]
I’ve had my foot in both camps. I spent most of my younger life as a pagan (involved with things that still haunt me today), but with some exposure to the pedantic Christian legalism that has wounded so many. And make no mistake, legalism is just as spiritually corrosive as wild sinful living. I know, I’ve been there.
People who have grown up in the church *should* learn to appreciate what they did not have to go through in an unbelieving environment. But those who did not grow up in the church should learn from those who did, that in many respects the church is no picnic either. There are wolves *in* the sheepfold as well as out in the meadows.
I grew up in a church and rejected so many of the restrictions you mention. This led to a trip into many of the things you mentioned, though not to the extremes you experienced. I saw the legalism, went to the opposite end of the spectrum and returned to the church with limps from those years. I feel that I am a stronger Christian for it, as some of my friends remain in their lives apart from God and some never left the sheltered lives.
One group is still trying to suppress the truth that they have heard. The other group has a hard time understanding me, and they seem to be just a bit judgmental in a way that is similar to the older brother of the prodigal son.
Nobody’s claiming that being pagan is better than being fundamentalist. If my wife and I were to die suddenly, I’d rather see my daughter raised by a family of Independent Fundie Baptists than by a family of friendly agnostics.
That said, spiritual abuse is a real thing. Sick churches are a real problem. The body of Christ is full of people misusing scripture and twisting authority to their own ends. It is good and proper to decry this.
Muddy water is better than dying of thirst, but it is still travesty when God offers us the purest streams to drink from.
You got that right. Good post (although I am sorry those folks get to you like they do). Peace.
A Really Interesting Eternal Perspective
But there is something deeper that I’m not sure someone in Mike’s situation fully understands.
My experience is similar to Another Doug’s, and I’ve seen both sides. What I keep coming back to is that Jesus’ harshest rebukes were reserved for the self-assured, self-righteous, “moral” church folks of the day.
True, people in this camp are generally protected by their legalistic hedge from the more obvious sins and the resultant scars. But they fall prey to more subtle and insidious sins which are not so easily detected and repented of. I have seldom known such vicious, blind and hypocritical people in the world as I have encountered in certain “Bible-believing” churches.
Another thing to consider, and one that I’ve shared with my 16 year old son whom many foresee being in full time ministry one day: there is value in being in and among the pagans –as Jesus was– that gives understanding of their plight and credibility to witness. It can be rather arrogant and offensive for someone to claim, “I have the answer!” when they have little or no grasp of what the questions are.
Simply put, there is a third option between licentiousness and legalism. Jesus was the friend of sinners, and it was Him, not churchianity, that some of them were drawn toward.
huh, what a thought.
Kevin, while I agree that there is a need to be out and among the “sinners” in order to speak to them where they are, too many Christians who take that route lose the balance it takes to be in the world and not of the world. Please warn him sternly of that concern.
Mike, “It’s better to grow up deprived than depraved.’
Amen to that. Sin haunts, especially when it is sin that hurt other people’s lives. There are many of us who wish we could go back and not do some of the things we did. But alas, we did those things, and as hard as it is to accept the forgiveness offered, even when we go out of our way to try and make up for what we did, forgiveness has done its work.
So if there is one thing that I think deminishes those of us who have sinned greatly in the past it is the regret and guilt of those we harmed. While the memory of that helps to keep us from further harmful sin (and at least in that context is good) it is one of the difficulties we face. I wonder if Paul saw Stephen’s battered face for the rest of his life?
(Matt left this comment on another post, but I’m pretty sure it belongs here.)
Mike,
I grew up in church and, as a teenager, was not much unlike you. There is a curse that comes with seeing the darker side of church life — the backbiting, the bitterness, the destructive forces. FWIW, as much as God to overcome my bohemian lifestyle as a teenager, it was probably a greater hurdle to overcome my hate for the church as a young twentysomething. My opinion of the Church, at the time, was probably as demonic as they come. If Satan had a criticism of the church at the time, it might have come from my mouth first. I cursed the church because I saw them destroy my father.
Nice thoughts Michael.
And thanks for being transparent. I am reminded that Jesus said, “To whom much is forgiven, the same will love much…”
Something to think about.
I grew up in the church (a legalistic and sometimes misguided one) and I have heard these statements before. You make an excellent point; a needed point; no ifs, ands, or buts.