On Sat, 04-30-05 9:49 am
Keep Your Pants On: Sex & Single Christians
Written by Dr MikeFiled under: Praxis
[6] comments thusfar
Stacy at Media Soul draws our attention to an interview in Beliefnet with the author of a new book on sex and single Christians. Stacy writes,
As a therapist I found this article to be extremely truthful because most of the unmarried Christians I see in my office have had or are currently engaging in sex. Some of my clients like to negate oral sex as not being real sex, but the truth is that any sex outside of marriage is sin, and it’s totally wrong.
As a distant colleague, I found the article to be an accurate depiction of what I, too, have heard in my consulting room. There is a lot of sexual activity going on among unmarried believers that falls outside the bounds of what God has ordained to be appropriate, i.e., sex within marriage.
Someone once said that the problem with premarital – and, I would add, extra-marital – sex is not that too much is given, but rather not enough is given. That is, sex is only right within a relationship where a permanent commitment has been made. Without that kind of commitment, sex is more of a fantasy than a reality, a purely physical experience that strips the act of its deeper emotional and – especially – spiritual dimensions. We are little different in those moments than two dogs hooking up in the park or someone masturbating while viewing porn.
This is a struggle, obviously, for single people – whether Christians or not – but it is also a danger for those of us who are married. To have a shallow or incomplete theology of sex is to fail to enter into and enjoy the fullness of a wonderful gift from God. None of us every fully achieve the glory of sex, but without knowing its true purpose and design we will stray far from the ideal. We won’t even begin to approach it.
As a psychological description, that seems pretty weak. It just doesn’t capture the experience of premarital sex.
We are little different in those moments than two dogs hooking up in the park or someone masturbating while viewing porn.
Maybe that captures how you’ve felt, but it doesn’t do justice to how others experience premarital sex.
JPE:
When I was young and full of myself – and not a Christian – I thought premarital sex was fine and meaningful. Now that I’m no longer young enough to know it all, I see it differently.
Sex outside of marriage is purely a function of the flesh. There is no godliness to it, it is unholy and profane. Dress it up all you like and put lipstick on the pig, but it doesn’t change its essence.
You have done nothing to refute my statement other than imply that your experience is different. My perception is based on what the Bible makes clear. Yours is based on . . . what?
I think it is ideal to save sex for marriage, and I waited 24 years before I had sex for the first time with my husband. While he was the only person I had sex with, I was not the only person HE had been with. I ended up with a common STD that I will have for life. I think that God wants to spare us from these problems, but I did everything “right” in terms of waiting, and still ended up with the consequences of someone elses actions. I have a hard time dealing with things emotionally, and sometimes I wonder if there are people out there who still wait until they are married. Please, please wait. It will save you alot of pain in the long run.
Bonnie, there are people waiting it out until they are married, but I’m beginning to think they are only women! As soon as I tell a man that I will not sleep with anyone until I marry, they are GONE before I can even finish the sentence. I feel like giving up at times and fear I will never get to enjoy that glorious gift again, but I will not weaken in my resolve. I don’t like it, but I will keep my vow.
Let’s be real guys. I think that it is very difficult to wait to have intercourse before you are married. It is hard to stay monogamous, I could imagine, even if you are married. I have never been married, but I had been sexually active for many years before Christ took control of my life. I didn’t become chaste until summer of 2002. If we fool ourselves into thinking we can just repress our sexual identities, we could end up in a lot of trouble by turning off CHRISTIAN prospects. God gave us the ability to look our best and put forth the gifts He has given us on the inside and outside. This is a lesson I learned after two years of running with a crowd that believed in repression and not befriending men. I am pretty conservative with respect to physical contact before marriage. I am even a little apprehensive about making out before marriage because it ruins the potential fun. I am not perfect and I definitely haven’t reached the epitomy of personal holiness, but I hope that God may use my imperfect words to perhaps light a fire under some other single women who were in a predicament like myself. Yes, God does intervene in terms of providing a mate, but He gives us the responsibility to create opportunities to meet people. I am tired of the myth that a Christian single woman has to hide in a cacoon until her “prince” comes flying in to save her. If you are sexually frustrated, God is telling you something! Listen to Him!
-Emily
Hello everyone!
We are a young Christian couple hoping to get closer to God. We have had premarital sex often, but we realized that it is wrong. Now we are seeking answers to our questions to help us not engage in ungodly acts, but to keep us sane. We are not married, but we are in a commitment with one another for 2 years and 8 months.We do know we want to be married to one another one day and are in a commitment.
Question one is: is it a sin to engage in oral sex without engaging in sexual intercourse? Question 2: Where can we find in the bible to help us with our situation?
Question 3:What can we do to cope with not having sexual intercourse since we’ve already began having sex?